I cant remember where i heard it from, but someone once said, " We are all just human beings on this planet. All we can do is to help each other out and be nice to one another,".
I really agree with that statement. We have limited amount of time to live. So we should help each other out as much as we can. After all, we are all trying to survive. I really want to be nice and helpful. In fact, i wanna try for sainthood. However, there are just some people who i just cant stand. No matter how many excuses, reasons, explainations i made up for them, i just dont like them. Maybe my expectations of people are high? Perhaps, i am more idealistic than i thought i am.
Its really simple. I wanna be nice to everyone but i dont want to be a laughing stock. I dont wanna feel like a fool. But then, isnt it very hypocritical of me? Afterall, its my own free will to choose the way i want to be.
Carina
10:57:00 PM
on Saturday, July 30, 2005
I am in a bitching mood.
Now that i think about it, im always bitching so whats the difference.
Josh called me today. Was quite happy to hear from him. I was quite confused at first.
" Who are you?"
" Josh"
" Huh? Who the hell is that?"
" Joshua Leong."
" Oh yeah.." * Starts kicking myself -I shouldnt forget.
Anyways, as usual, due to the "kick myself in the arse" syndrome, i volunteered to organise a bbq tomorrow. Sooooooo for the last 6 hours, i was battling crowds in the supermarket, having a imaginary sword fight between mustard and dijonnaise*DOH*, hunting for the hamburger buns * They are really hard to get! Damnit.* and trying my darnest not to run those annoying little monsters with the shopping cart.
Ended up with ten heavy shopping bags. I almost fractured my arms. Thank goodness, my lil angel was there to help me. After putting stuff away and marinating stuff, my hands would prolly be very delicious after bbqing. Fat drips and all. * Flash backs of a certain movie*
Anyways, what makes people think that i am free whenever they are? Its amazing how much guilt they try to lay on me whenever i am not free.
" I have not seen you for quite a while." - Yeah, whos fault is that?
" Why are you playing so hard to get?" - Play? Darling, i am not playing.
" I have not heard from you for quite a while."- You mean you dont get the clue? I am so done with people who only call me when they need me for something.
Friendship isnt automatically going to last till the day we die. It needs work. It needs effort. It needs communication. It needs cultivation. Just because they are " busy" with their "lives" and put me on the backburner lead them to think that i am at their back and call?
Perhaps, its my own fault. I am not a good judge of character.
But i do know that in order for my life to be less cluttered, i need to get rid of junk.
*delete, delete, delete*
The baby is asleep. I should go to bed too.
Good night folks.
Carina
11:10:00 PM
I am happy. I am liberated. I am freed.
Carina
12:10:00 AM
on Thursday, July 28, 2005
Ah. My Birthday post. * This could get mushy, childish, self centered etc. Some folks are icky with IDA, internet display of affection.*
If I believe in reincarnation, I must have been a really good girl in past life. I don't deserve all the great things I got to experience.
Last couple of years, my birthdays were normally met with bad news or I would just wallow to feel shitty about myself.
This year, I could find no reason.
Mommy brought me to dinner on Tuesday since she was busy the next day. She let me made the decision on where to go, what to eat. There wasn't any complains. The sky was the limit. We went to Ellenborough Cafe at Swissotel Merchant Court. Delicious durian pengant. Service was polite and attentive. Did I mention cute waiters? ;)
Mom and Aunt Florence.
Will and Me.
Someone decided to take an artistic " slanted" picture. :P
We sat and ate until the closing time. What a fun night. Great company.
On Wednesday, I met up with Qi. That girl bought me a huge birthday cake!! I didn't know what say. Gosh. The cake from Bakerzin was delish! We went Ktv after. The guys next door was singing all sort of weird songs at their top of the lungs. We were practically listening to them more than singing.
Qi, thank you so much for everything you have done.
When I got home around 1130pm, dad was staying up, waiting for me. He surprised me with another cake and supper! The nice father of mine went out of his way to get great supper. *Made me wonder what I have done to deserve all these!* I was on such a sugar boost that I could be singing showtunes all night long!
I am one hell of a lucky gal.
I haven't always agree with or listen to you. I am not always a good daughter. I am sorry that I am growing up too fast. But believe me when I say " I love you , daddy". Thank you for putting a smile on my face, caring and all the sweet lil things you do for me. Thank you for going out of your way to make my day a memorable one.
I could never thank you enough. You have done way too much.
Mom: Happy Birthday.
Me: Thank you mommy.
Mom: You are most welcome. Love you.
Those are the sweetest words I have heard all day long. This amazing woman is a true testament of strength. I love you mommy.
From: Will and Mom. Will picked it out. Ha ha! Thank you! I love it! Will, i think you finally got it right. ;) Thank you.
From: Qi and Ronald. They paid attention to one of my lil quirks. Thanks guys. I really appreciate it. :)
From: Jacq and Nigel. These two went on a mission to get me the book. Ha ha! Its a really thoughtful gift. Thank you.
From: Jacq. This angel went ahead and got me another gift. I couldnt thank you enough for being a great friend. Thank you for your thoughts.
From: Gladys. The lil strawberry shortcake never forget my birthday. I love you darling. Thank you for the lovely card.
To Jaslyn, Winnie, Sherry, Aunt Flor, Ally, Jacq, Ian, Damien, Peter, Ria, Cass, Nigel, Jade, Kenneth, Yan and Ziwei, Thank you for the calls and well wishes.
To Eric and Regan, Thank you for making those expensive calls and taking time out to make my birthday more memorable.
If i forget anyone, its unintentional. Sorry!
Now that the Academy Awards speech is over and done with..
Im 22!
Before i get any older and my tits reach the level of my feet...
Thanks again! I had an AWESOME birthday.
Good nite folks.
Carina
2:33:00 AM
on Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Happy Birthday, Carina.
Run, run far away.
Breath.
Be free.
Maybe happiness will find you this time.
Carina
11:56:00 PM
I am sick.
I am self-centered.
I am tired.
I am disappointed.
I am sick of being self centered.
I dont wanna be that way.
I want to change.
I am tired of being disappointed.
How can i change that?
Carina
10:56:00 AM
on Saturday, July 23, 2005
I am exhausted.
Anyways, on Friday, i met up with Wenqi. As usual, we gossiped alot. And laughed about buying an ice cream and standing in front of the glass mirror of California Gym to tempt those people who were running on the thread mill. BUT we are not evil * wink*. Therefore, we didnt do that.
Met up with Ronald, who rushed down to join us from his busy schedule. He is involved in NDP.
Qi and Ronald
And * Gasp*
They bought me a present for my bday!
Yeah! Pressie! They got me my next favourite thing! * will reveal in due course* I was really touched because they remembered the things i actually paid attention to!!
It was a really long time.. well not long but like a month since we last got together. We just chatted about so many ideas and that feeling was awesome. Poor Ronald ended up missing his last train home.
Thanks guys! I had a lovely time. Looking forward to the next meetup!
Carina
11:16:00 PM
on Wednesday, July 20, 2005
My life is a fucking bore. If someone attempt to write a story about it, there will prolly be just 3 lines.
" She was born. She lived. She died."
Carina
10:17:00 PM
I finally done reading Plath's Biography. Her life, although short and filled with anger, was full of achievements. Her struggles as a career woman in that era and with herself will be something we could relate to on some level.
Thanks to the folks who got me the book. I can finally stop my ritual of going to Borders, standing there contemplating if i should buy the book. :)
Time for Ariel.
Carina
7:13:00 PM
Don’t look back
Keep your head held high
Don’t ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You’re feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don’t hold on to the past
Well that’s too much to ask
Carina
6:46:00 PM
I was trying to get over the blues from yesterday so i tried to sleep. Ended up having an extremely bad dream.
Anyways, Club Med Bintan for $160. One night accomodation, gourmet meals, unlimited water sports, night activites. Im so tempted. But the price is a lil steep. With that amount, i could throw a few more dollars and head off to Tioman for some beach fun.
If you guys wanna do any of the above, call me! My Hong Kong trip is still hovering around tentative planning stage. ARGH.
Carina
10:48:00 AM
on Thursday, July 14, 2005
Since NKF headlined the papers, everyone has been talking about it. Of course, with mixed reactions. Finally, we have a scandal! My parents are furious. My dad insisted on withdrawing his donations. * slaps forehead*
Well, people has been signing petitions for Turai to quit but I wonder if the next guy could do a better job than he did. Putting aside his extravagant spendings, he did achieved a substantial amount of success with NKF. The important thing is the organisation's patients still need our help. Its so sad that they have to be dragged into this mess.
Anyways, its better to donate to a private charity that isnt under Community Chest. Charities supported by Com Chest get their funds from Singapore Pools... meaning, you, your parents, relatives when they buy lottery tickets etc. Private charitites are having a hard time getting funds. They dont have annual shows to help raising the funds.
There is just one thing i dont get it. Why is NKF branching out to Cancer? I would have thought that Singapore Cancer Society will be a better organiser. Anyways, if you wanna donate to the Cancer patients, i think SCS is better. They do run roadshows.
I am going to try and convince my dad not to withdraw his donations. Tsk.
Carina
10:03:00 PM
* Listening to " The Girl From Ipanema- Chet Gilberto" *
Im starting to listen to Bossa Nova late morning. Whats wrong with me? Gosh.. im so *gasp* mellow. Yes, i know.. music appreciation has no timing but normally this will be my "rock" timing. What in the world is happening to me?
Anyways, caught up with the ladies yesterday. Lots of details.. *ahem* and watched " Fantastic Four". I actually thought the movie was tad corny and just a typical comic flick. Nothing out of the blue. Normal beings went thru some cosmic changes, found out about their powers, shocked, denial, accepted new found powers, decided to "save the world" blah blah blah. The 2 good things about the movie, Chris Evan and Julian Mcmahon. That isnt so hard to figure out isnt it. He he. Both guys are cute although Julian leads the score card. He is so hot. I cant wait to see more of him. I was so hooked up on Charmed because of him. The only downside of him was that he married Dannii Minogue. But they are divorced now!! Ha ha ha. * Me being transformed into Carina Vader* Im so evil. I gotta to find the dvds of Nip/Tuck.
I have a lot of time on my hands. Im lazy to find a job too. *Yawns* I figure, i will be spending the rest of my life working so what is the rush. Very very lazy. Next week, i will start helping out at Bugi for 2 days a week. Its a good deal. 2 days, get me out of the house, gives me ample time to do whatever i want. I have so much that i want to do but im just bloody lazy to move.
July is also a very depressing month for me. Getting older, one more step towards the grave. I feel absolutely empty. Even my shopping trips are not helping. Damn. Was planning this huge major blow-out for my birthday but whats the point? *sigh*
I got several thoughts sorted out. Thats a good thing with all the time on my hands.
Carina
11:48:00 AM
on Tuesday, July 12, 2005
I prolly should also update what i did yesterday. Went shopping and met up with Will and his Japanese friend, * I cant remember his name*. I tried my embarrassing amount of japanese and boy.. i was really embarrassed. LOL
I have to start on my shopping list. Its my therapy!
Carina
8:51:00 PM
"The Notebook" Poster
Duke (reading, about Noah): "She had come back into his life like a sudden flame, blazing and streaming into his heart. Noah stayed up all night contemplating the certain agony he knew would be his if he were to lose her twice."Excerpt from a letter from Noah to Allie: "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."I know that most of my posts lately seem to be plugging stuff but i dont care. When i find something amazing, i wanna share. :P
I always have a penchant for watching romance flicks at night. I dont really know why. Maybe its the quiet stillness of the night.
Anyways, this movie was so awesome. I actually sobbed. YES, sobbed. In fact, after i was done with the movie and lying in bed, i was still sobbing. This movie took on the same perspective that covered 2 different period of time but with the same meaning. Nicholas Spark seems to know how to tug the heartstrings.
Watch the movie. Its a beautiful classic.
I'll be seeing you,
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces,
All day through.
In that small cafe,
The park across the way,
The children's carousel,
The chestnet tree,
The wishing well.
I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day,
In everything that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.
I'll find you in the morning sun,
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.
Carina
8:41:00 PM
I am seriously really pissed with myself for forgetting to post this up when i got it. My lil cute brainiac and over achieving cousin made this for me. She sent it to me when i was feeling really down and becos of my self centered wallowing, i totally forgot to put this up.
Gladys, thanks for doing this for me. I really like and appreciate it. Even though you are growing up and learning how to use photoshop :(, you will always be my little girl. Love you.
Carina
9:13:00 PM
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds
But we don't know how the story ends till it's all been told
Carina
6:59:00 PM
So much for winning the chance to host Olympics in 2012. I wonder what would happen if Paris won the rights. Bye Bye to Eiffel Tower?
Amid the horrific details of the terrorist attack in London, i am actually always quite impressed and amazed at the highly organised bombing incidents.
Whatever it is, violence isnt the answer. We are just puppets of the higher authority.
Its amazing how the human race could be so ruthless.
Carina
9:58:00 PM
on Thursday, July 07, 2005
* I am in such a weird mood for Bossa Nova and lounge jazz.*
A few things have happened in these few days actually..
I have made my peace with my brother. There will be days when we will still fight and kick each others' butts but we have at least sort out some stuff now. I feel a lot better. I love you too dude. :)
Met up with a few friends and so far, cant say that i had a bad time. Swimming, lunches, whatever.. its all good.
Now i just have to get cracking on cleaning my room and start on my holiday's reading list.
Thanks to those who showed their concern about me. I really appreciate it. A small touch goes a long way. :)
Carina
11:05:00 PM
Well, in line with my dear old brother's theory of "washing dirty laundry in public", i shall say my piece here. After all, this is my space. * You can get the story from his
blog.- Although i would like to mention that it isnt really all that objective " Personal opinion"."
What he said really happened. I dont like to sugarcoat it or make excuses that my family isnt screwed up because it really is.
However, what i dont appreciate is the part when its so easy to get up and leave. I think i am in a position to make that statement because unlike someone who has the chance to get up and leave for a period of time, regardless of NS or hostel living or one month abroad, i have always been here. I have to endure all the crazy shit that went and still is going on in this household. Not doing anything or mending the broken situations are fine with me. I know it is difficult to try. But how about lending a lil support for your baby sister? Why is it always so easy for you to get up and leave?
I am really being objective here and the parents have issues but the family works in a unit. You have issues too. Just because you might not wanna listen to them doesnt make it disappear. I hate to say it but mom has some truth in it. Whenever a gal shows up, you just ignore your family. The beauty of life lies in the changes but why didnt that happen with you? We spent so much time talking about that problem. It really saddens me that the memories in your life or may i quote " the nicest times of my life" are always filled with them. Again, it doesnt help to put your family in the backburner or pretend that it doesnt exist. I count myself very lucky time over time that i have a brother who i can have fun and laugh with. Unfortunately, that thought only occurs to me everytime when you are fresh from a bad relationship. Maybe its my idea of trying to introduce my friends to inject a lil more color into our lives. I dont know what is the problem here and i cant pin point.
Our parents havent been getting it easy too. That thought and you keeps me hanging on sometimes. I love this family dearly but I am only one person. There are only so much i can take in my life. I am close to the breaking point several times. Apparently people like to come into my life, make themselves important and leave.
You want the truth? I prolly screwed up my entire school year because for 365 days, i kept worrying about this family. And my personal life isnt working out to the way i want it to be. Im so tired of smiling and act happy when i just want to run away. I am so bloody tired of caring for people and always find myself alone. People who i thought, cared for me too.
Well after writing all that junk, if anyone wants to leave, just go. Im always getting used to having the doors shut at my face.
Carina
1:30:00 AM
The more i listen to Joss, the more i love her.
You can listen to her songs at her official site :
Joss Stone
Thanks Eric, for hosting the song. :)
Carina
7:51:00 PM
So another week went by.
I have yet to find a job. Hoping for a part time clinic assistant posting to show up. I cant continue to rot at home. Planned a whole lot of traveling but everything could be done only with money. Oh geez.
Worked at the shop yesterday. 6 hours of mind numbing fun. LOL I like being confined to small spaces, I think. I don't feel claustrophobic.. Weird isn't it. I feel like I could think because my thoughts are all compressed. Weird weird weird. That prolly describes how I have been feeling for a while. I hate going out acting all happy because I really am not. I just wanna wallow in sorrow and self pity. My dad always tells me not to be idealistic. Idealism comes with expectations and failure. He got his wish. My heart feels heavy, my head feels dizzy, my eyes feels the strain. I feel absolutely hollow, my soul has flown the co-op.
I keep telling myself I want to get over it, and I will get over it. It just takes a bloody long time. I wish I could just chuck the emotional baggage at the door.
I just cant see the fucking light.
Carina
10:17:00 AM
